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Blacknose jumped from the tree limb to land on the roof of the two-story house. He scampered quickly to one of the roof vents and flipped a latch. It popped open, and with a <tailflick> he was inside the partial-finished attic. The floor was littered with cast off shells; a particularly large pile near a small table where a computer sat. Leftie sat in front of the keyboard, carefully touching the keys with her paws and shifting the trackball with a careful <flicks> of her tail.
Blacknose jumped onto the table and <chittered> "How goes the research?"
Leftie looked red-eyed at Blacknose. "The deeper I look, the stranger it gets." <washface> "Humans are weirder than we thought..."
"Well, we've only just started to deal with them in the last few decades as an intelligent species..."
"Us or them?"
<chitter> "Good question." He scratched behind his ear with his back paw, creating a brief buzzing sound. "Ah that's better. The bunnies have had centuries, or maybe longer to study humans. We need to catch up. What can you tell me after studying the Internet?"
Leftie turned back to the screen. "Humans seem to have two major motivations: to mate and to advertise. In fact one of the most common advertisements on the Net is for mating and mating supplies."
Blacknose <puzzleflicked> "Mating supplies?"
"Here, look," <clicktailflick tailflickclick> "this is an e-mail account. It's designed to receive advertisements. I've received six ads for drugs to help males with mating, three to increase the size of their organs..."
"You think there are a lot of humans who need this kind of thing?" Blacknose said in surprise.
Leftie shrugged. "If there are this many ads for it, there must be. And here are seven ads for websites that feature pictures of mating. And that's just today's e-mail."
"Really?" Blacknose leaned toward the screen. "Show me one."
<flicktailclick>
Blacknose leaned away from the screen. "You can't mate like that. Aren't those both... oh, wait. That's like Weaver and Limbgrabber." He peered again as Leftie scrolled down the page. "That's _nothing_ like Weaver and Limbgrabber."
"It gets worse," Leftie <chittered> and clicked again. "They call this 'furry art'." (www.yerf.com/gilemega/nutmeg72.jpg)
<SCREEEEE!?> "What in Spirit's name is that?"
"I don't know but I *guess* whoever drew it is on our side," Leftie remarked. <washface> "Maybe. But back to the e-mail account..."
Blacknose sighed with relief as the strange pictures vanished from the screen.
"Look," Leftie said, "here's some more ads. Here's 'Make Money By'... which almost as popular as mating, and two ads for 'Gambling'... which is losing money, an 'Approved for Credit Card' and two for 'Getting out of Credit Card Debt'."
"So making and losing money is another high priority for humans?"
"That and body reshaping."
<tailtwitch>... <tailtwitch>... "Excuse me?"
<clickclickclick> "Here we have 'Remove Inches Off Your Waist' followed by 'Add Inches to Your...'
"How could that be done?" Blacknose shivered.
"Hopefully not in the same procedure."
"And what does our live-in human think about all this?"
<chewchewchew> "Well, he discounts all the ads. And so do a lot of the people online. Matrix says most of the ads are lies and swindles. They call it spam." <chewchewchew> "Makes you think the bunnies are involved."
"But there are so many of them," <chewchew>. "If everybody knew they were false, why would they keep sending them out? What kind of people would do that?"
"Same kind who run down squirrels with their cars," Leftie replied darkly. "I strongly suspect NoBunny Enterprises is the source of half of it..."
"What does Matrix think about the ads for mating equipment?" Blacknose nervously <tailflicked>.
"He just laughs. He said his mating organs don't need enhancing."
"Have you checked?"
Leftie hung her head. "He won't show me. I've asked several times but he keeps saying no. And I can't get past the locks on his bedroom door. Funny," <slowthoughtfultailweave> "the first time I asked his skin turned reddish."
"Bathroom?"
"He thought of that too." <disappointedtailflick>
"Oh. Well, keep trying. When the weather turns warmer he may leave his bedroom window open at night. What does he think about the websites about mating?"
"He looked at one and just walked out, mumbling something about a cold shower."
"Mating, advertising, making money, losing money. You're right: humans are weirder than we thought." <bobheadbobhead> "Well, keep up the er... good work," Blacknose said.
"I will, I will," Leftie said distantly, her gaze once again trained on the computer screen.
With a shiver and a relieved flick of the tail Blacknose escaped out the vent.
Originally published on alt.devilbunnies on April 5, 2002
