| Previous Story | Story Archive | Next Story |
"So, how long has this house been empty?" the carpenter asked as he descended the attic stairs.
"The realtor said about year," Les Pathways replied, "but I think it might have been longer. Find something?"
The man brushed bits of insulation off him. "You got squirrels in the attic."
Don't I know it, Les thought.
As Agent Matrix he'd formed a... partnership with the local free squirrels. They'd agreed to supply information for a price: cashews and internet access. But his old apartment had been too small for that, so they helpfully pointed out a large, empty house lanquishing on a quiet side street and a soft housing market. Using a stash of drug money the squirrels had found Les bought the place. The place came "as-is" but seemed to be in good shape.
"You'll need to trap them before you I can close up the holes in the soffet," the carpenter continued.
"The area under the roof? Fine," Les nodded. "I'll talk to them and see that they're out of the way."
"You'll talk to the squirrels?" the man asked dryly.
"I mean..." Les rubbed his face. "I'll talk to a friend who knows how to get rid of them. You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little nervous. First-time home owner."
"Well, it's a nice big house," the carpenter remarked.
Les smiled. When he'd first stepped foot in the house, he had imagined what it would look like in a few years. First, all the old, dirty rugs would be ripped out and the old oak floors refinished to their former glory. Then there were rooms to be painted, maybe a touch of plaster here and there... but it would be a good home for himself and Gina. Hopefully, he and Gina would be living there together, properly wed and raising a few Fuddlings. But he pushed the dream away for the moment.
"I'll have the squirrels out by next week. Will you be able to put in the special vents I specified?"
The carpenter scratched his head. "I guess so. But they're kinda strange..."
Les nodded. Yes, they were strange indeed. They were the proper size to vent the attic - and hinged to allow the squirrels to come in. As long as they stayed up in the attic with their cable modem and their cashews, this arrangement might actually work.
The doorbell rang and he let in the woman from the local water department and led her to the main down in the basement. As she fiddled with the water main he stood out of her way by the laundry sink and smiled in anticipation. He'd gotten rather dirty sweeping up the house was really looking forward to having a nice shower in his new home.
His wish for a shower was granted as water fountained from the faucet and sprang high in the air. He fumbled the valves closed but the water kept on coming. "Shut it off! SHUT IT OFF!"
The water stopped and the utility woman came over. She peered up at the water starting dripping down through the floor above. "Looks like you might have a bad faucet or two. ."
Les Pathways shook some water off him. "Do tell."
Les looked at plumber with confusion. "What do you mean you can't fix this leak? You fixed the sinks."
"Well, sir, it's not the leak itself but the pipes. You see, with this pipe," and he pointed to the large pipes leading from the toilets on the floors above them, "they joined these two with a 'T' connector. That's illegal. You need a 'Y' connector. Gotta take out about three feet of pipe..."
"Make it legal," Les said a little exasperated.
"And you might want to look into replacing some of those old iron pipes too," the plumber continued. "Some of the shutoff valves are rusted shut," he pointed one out, "and they're probably all clogged with mineral deposits. You get real hard water in this town. I could do it for a reasonable sum..."
Les balked at the estimate but nodded. "Might as well do it right and not call you back later."
The plumber nodded back. "You might want to think about installing a water softener sometime also. It'll keep the new pipes from building up more deposit so fast."
Les sighed. "Can you maybe just leave me a catalogue to look through later?"
He went up to the second floor shaking his head. The place had a few more flaws than had been immediately visible to the eye. The plumbing was leaky, the floors were in worse shape than he thought... and then there were the squirrels.
Hearing a noise from above he he mounted the attic stairs. The attic was partially finished and he could walk in it if he kept his head low. He found a squirrel in a corner fluffing up some insulation. "Didn't I tell you guys to stay out while the workman were here?"
The squirrel blinked at him and twitched his tail.
"And no ripping up the insulation for your nests," Les lectured. "And another thing. You are NOT going to chew up any more electrical cables! You could cause a short and burn the building down aside of frying yours. It cost me plenty to have the electrician repair the cables you guys have been gnawing on."
"<chitter> Matrix?" a voice said from behind him.
He turned and saw Lefty looking in from one of the attic 'vents'.
"That's a reg squirrel," she said. "It can't understand you." <tilthead> "Can't you tell the difference?"
"Oh uhm... no." He felt his face redden.
She twitched her nose disappointment.
"Weren't you supposed to keep them out?" Les said with a note of exasperation in his voice.
"<tailflick> Someone must have left the hatch opened last night." <twitch twitch>. "I think."
"Just get him out," Les said with a sigh and went back down the stairs where he came face to face with the plumber.
"Thought I heard voices in the attic," the plumber remarked while giving him an odd look.
Les sighed. "Just checking for squirrels again."
The plumber nodded slowly. "Riiight. I'll just check go get the saw for that pipe." He walked away shaking his head.
"Hi!" the woman smoking on the deck next door called out. "You must be our new neighbor."
Les smiled and began to walk over to her. He took three steps, caught his foot in a hole and fell down. "Oh man, that's the third hole I've stepped in today," he said as he got to his feet.
"Are you all right?" asked the woman.
"I'll be fine," he winced as he limped. "I'm Les."
"I'm Jerri. I'm glad to see someone in the house again. It was empty for almost two years now."
She took a puff on her cigarette. "Do you know about the birds?"
Les blinked. "Birds?"
"In your kitchen vent," and she pointed to the side of the house. "Look, you can see them flying in and out. They must have a nest in there. You'll need to get rid of them before you use the fan."
Les watched as several small birds flew up to the large, open kitchen vent. He sighed. "I was wondering where all that chirping was coming from."
He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "I feel like I'm starting a nature preserve."
"And it looks like one with all that tall grass and weeds," she said disapprovingly.
"I know," he remarked as he eyed over his overgrown and uneven backyard. Les added a lawn mower, grass seed and weed killer to his list of things to get. He was starting to see a large amount of money disappearing from his hard earned savings. "I just wonder why I've got so many holes in the ground?"
"Squirrels."
Les blinked. "Huh?"
"They dig into the lawn to bury their nuts. I've seen a lot of them around the house."
Jerri drew in another lungful of smoke. "There's several oak trees and a few butternut trees around. In the autumn they really go wild for those butternuts."
He rubbed his face. "Well, that's got to stop. I'll have to have a talk with them."
"Oh, you can talk to squirrels?" she laughed.
"Oh... um, of course," he recovered. "I'm a regular Doctor Doolittle. The only problem is... they don't listen."
Jerri chuckled and ground out her cigarette. "I've got to be picking up the kids soon. It was nice meeting you Les. Good luck with the wildlife."
"Thank you, Jerri," he said smiling. When he got inside his face hardened. "Squirrels," he said and went up to the attic to look for Lefty.
Les looked over the kitchen and shook his head. The cabinets were in good condition and their dark wood matched the rest of the house. He'd ordered a new stove and refrigerator to replaced the old ones so he was in good shape there.
But the floor...
Some time ago a previous owner had laid a green patterned rug in the kitchen. Over the years it had so accummulated dirt and stains from every particule of food dropped on it that it was no longer possible to tell the pattern from the grime. He wondered who had been dumb enough to install a rug - much less a deep pile one! - in a kitchen? No rug cleaner would ever get this mess clean. There was only one thing to do: rip it out.
Les got down on his hands and knees and, using a small pry bar, began to undo the nails holding the carpet down. He wrinkled his nose. The previous owners had also owned dogs.
<chitter> "Whatcha doing?"
Startled, Les spun around; not an easy thing to do in his position. "Lefty! Didn't I tell you to stay in the attic?"
<Headbob> "When the workman were around. They're all gone. It's okay, right?"
He rubbed his forehead. A squirrel lawyer. "Can I help you with something?"
"No, no. I was just wondering what you're doing."
"Removing a dirty carpet from the kitchen." He returned to his work. "It's stained with spilled food and dog piddle."
"I noticed." <washfacewithpaw>
"And if I'm right there'll be a hardwood floor underneath it to match the one in the hall. It'll look great after I fix it up."
<twitchtail> "Hardwood?"
"Yes, probably oak."
<SKREEEEEE> "THEY CUT DOWN ACORN TREES?"
"Lefty! Calm yourself. It was a long time ago."
"But... but... acorn trees," the squirrel said mournfully looking at the flooring in the rest of the house.
"They had to make room for butternut trees," Les said hopefully.
"Oh." <considertailswish> "That's not so bad."
"Now if I can get these last nails... yes!" and Les lifted a section of the rug. His face paled. "Linoleum? They carpeted over linoleum?"
"Yeeaaa! Acorn trees were saved!" <happydance>
Grumbling, Les picked up the pry bar and levered it under the ancient flooring. Like the rug, the linoleum was filthy and deeply stained. It came off with a crack and a cloud of choking dust. A smile crossed Les's grimy face and he caressed the beat-up but intact oak flooring. "There it is."
Lefty scampered forward and her tail drooped. "Poor acorn trees..." she said sadly.
Light from the fireplace gave the room a soft glow. Les sat on the couch with Gina, talking softly. The baby had just fallen asleep and it was a quiet time between man and wife. Les felt Gina's finger's brush his face, gently, gently...
Les awoke from his dream to the quiet patter of rain on the roof and a squirrel's tail in his face. "What the...?" he muttered and reached for a light as Lefty bounced down to the floor.
"It's raining," Lefty said.
"No kidding." Les found himself wondering again what had made him decide to let these annoying tree rats live with him. Then he remembered; they had a deal. Actually, it was more like blackmail.
"So what is it?" he aked sleepily.
"It's raining," Lefty repeated and curled her tail around herself. "We're getting wet up there."
"Getting wet up..." his eyes popped open. "The roof is leaking!?!"
<twitch twitch> "Er, yes. The roof is leaking."
He hurriedly dressed and went up into the attic. He flicked on the light to the complaints of three dozen squirrels. "Oh man..." he groaned.
"We want more <chitter> cashews!"
"<scree!> Where's our computer! <scree!>"
<furioustailflicking> "We want our MTV!"
"What are you going to do about this water?"
"SHUT UP!" Les shouted.
He enjoyed the momentary silence. "Important things first! Where's the water coming in? Over there? Okay, I'll get some buckets and some plastic to protect the floor. Second, the computer is safe downstairs where it will remain until we can fix up the attic. Third, you'll get your MTV when BUNNIES PLAY THE STAR SPANGLED FUDDITE." Then he stomped downstairs to collect the buckets.
An hour we was climbing back into his bed. He'd found that the leak wasn't as bad as he'd feared. The squirrels help spread plastic and buckets were catching the water dripping from the newly installed vents. In the morning he'd go searching for a good roofer.
A tiny rapping came from his bedroom door and Lefty poked her head in. "Matrix?"
Les put getting good locks for the bedrooms on his 'to do' list, along with getting three gallons of paint, paint brushes, a trowel and some plaster patch: the large-sized container. He sighed and waved the squirrel in. "What is it now?"
"Er," <hopfoot> "We know that you're trying really hard to get this place all nice and stuff <bobhead> <bobhead> and that we want to show our appreciatation for all your hard work for squirreldom." And she pushed a little bag into the room. "Have some cashews, you deserve them."
"Um, thanks," Les said quietly really wanting to go back to sleep.
"And because of all you're hard work," she stood up on her hind legs, "we recognize Agent Matrix, also known as Les Pathways, as a <chitter> honorary squirrel. We'll get you something to act as a furry tail later."
"I'm... touched," he replied dryly. "Thank you."
Lefty paused for a moment. "Welcome to your new home, Matrix. I hope you like it as much as we do."
Lefty scurried out and Les let his head flop back down on the pillow.
"Intelligent squirrels," he muttered. "One more reason to hate the bunnies."
THE END
for now...
House Warming - author's notes
'Write what you know' is good advice for any writer, new or experienced.
'House Warming' had its basis in reality. My housemate and I bought a house 'as is' and some of what Les went through we had already suffered: bad plumbing, a leaky roof and squirrels in the attic. I didn't put every hassle we went through in; I'm saving those as fodder for later stories.
A big thanks to my editor and housemate Kylinn. She suggested putting in a bit about the rotting carpet we ripped out of the kitchen. It turned into our favorite section and the easiest to write. Big thanks go out to the roofers, plumbers and others who helped make our house a home. And a tip of the hat to 'Bee and Wildlife Removal Service' for getting rid our squirrel population.
And hugely big thanks goes out to my parents. To my father who sanded and refinished the kitchen floor, to Lady who gave us a financial boost, and to my Mom for cleaning the place. Way to go folks!
~JennyM
Originally published on alt.devilbunnies between October 14 and October 19, 2001.