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Marie stepped out onto her front porch and hastily pulled out a cigarette. She'd found an open pack forgotten in a drawer and felt the need scratching at her lungs. Although she hadn't smoked in months the craving was too great to resist. She lit the cigarette and drew a deep drag - and gagged. The pack was several months stale and tasted foul.
Undaunted she puffed away, letting the nicotine rush fill her brain enough to make her slightly dizzy. Through the smoke she saw a UPS truck pull up to her neighbor's house. From her secluded porch she mused at the goings on at the Pathways residence. He'd taken in not one, but two female lodgers: a younger woman who seemed to be a college student and an older woman who occasionally drove a motorcycle. It was quite the contrast. Although she knew the house was large, with many bedrooms, she wondered at the goings on over there.
She watched the UPS driver leave the package at the front door. As she sucked her stale butt she wondered about the various packages that seemed to arrive next door when no one was home.
Les's front door opened. A ball of squirrels tumbled out. She held her breath at the sound of tiny voices.
"We're clear!"
"You sure?"
"Shhhh! Be quiet!" <chitter>
"Move it in! Quickly!"
The package disappeared into the house in a chaos of gray fur, flicking tails and tiny paws. The door closed and the squirrels gone as if they - and the package, had never existed.
Marie stood like a statue, the cigarette hanging from her lip. Slowly she removed it from her mouth and stared at it. There were all those things that were said to be added to tobacco: formaldehyde, ammonia, pesticides...
She shivered. "No more," she whispered, crushing the cigarette under her heel. "I'm getting a nicotine patch."
Les nursed his right hand as he drove home from work. One of the hazards of being a dentist was that sometimes someone would bite. And although the jaws of little children might not be very strong, they often have very sharp teeth.
Arriving at his front door he noticed that he had no mail. He sighed, wondering if - once again - the squirrels had 'done him a favor' and retrieved it for him. Which meant another trip up into the attic. But as he opened the door he heard something strange. Was that... Richard Simmons?
He stepped into his living room to find his TV on and 'Sweating to the Oldies' playing on his VCR. Much worse, he had a half dozen squirrels on the floor trying to match the dancers' moves on the screen... and failing vigorously.
Then there were the other half dozen squirrels bouncing about the room, obliviously out of time with the music. He turned down the volume and looked sternly at the squirrel closest to the TV. "Leftie..."
<chittergreetings> "Hi Matrix. This exercise program is really good. I've got Jane Fonda's on back order. But Richard is such an inspiration to fat creatures everywhere!" She looked at the screen. "Doesn't he look a little like a squirrel?"
"Maybe it's really Buzzy!" one of the other squirrels commented.
"Where did you get that video?" Les asked patiently.
"I ordered it online!" <affirmativeflick>
"How? You need a credit... you haven't stolen my credit card have you?"
<defensivechitter> "Of course not! One was offered to me, so I took it."
"Wait wait," Les rubbed his forehead. "You got a credit card online? Don't you need some kind of identification for that."
"Got it!" <happytailtwirl> "I found all these sites about identity theft and how easy it was to make a fake identity..."
"... and you created a human identity," Les finished with a sigh.
<bobheadbobhead> "Want to see?" <proudflick>
"Definitely."
She bounded up the stairs. Les looked around at the collection of random squirrels on the floor, on the chair, on the couch...
"GET OFF THE FURNITURE! And YOU!" he pointed a finger, "OFF THE CURTAINS!"
<grumblechitter>
Leftie returned with three cards in her mouth.
Les took them gingerly. Social Security card. "Lorrie S. Gray. Ooookaay, that makes sense." The second was a credit card. "They'll give these to anyone," he muttered.
"Pardon?" <curiousflick>
"Nothing." Les stared at the next one. "Where'd you get the photograph?" he asked, looking at the young woman on the card.
"It's a composite of lots of people. You can do great things in PhotoShop(tm)." <bobheadbobhead> "I just used a scanner and input a bunch of photos from magazines and stuff."
Leftie stood up on her hind legs, erect and proud. "I did it all myself."
Les drew in a breath. "What scanner?"
"The one I got three weeks ago. It's wonderful having things delivered right to your door!"
"And how are you going to pay all this back?" Les asked, feeling fine veins in his forehead about to pop.
"Oh, I haven't gotten that figured out yet," <thoughtfultailswish>. "I haven't been able to hack into any banks yet..."
"LEFTIE!" Les rubbed his face. "No hacking into banks. Got that? That could get us all into big trouble. Big trouble. Because if you use this address to mail things to they'll come after *me* and haul *me* away to jail. And you know what that means?"
Leftie gulped. "No more cashews?" she whispered.
"Got it in one."
"I'm sorry," <ashamedtailcurl> "I never wanted to get you into any trouble."
"Well let's see what you've done and what you've spent and take it from there." He sighed and rubbed his face again. "Let me change my clothes and we'll go over everything, okay?"
"Okay," she said soberly.
After he left the room the other squirrels congregated around Leftie. "Does this mean no more delivers of candied walnuts?"
"Let me see what I can work out."
<hopefulchitters>
Les, Marsha and Leftie stared at the computer. A screen saver of impossible angles stared mockingly back at them.
Marsha shook her head. "I don't believe it. I've reformatted, FDISKed, and did a factory re-format of the hard disk, and Meggido is still running!"
"Well, that's what you get when you trust Fourier software," Les fumed.
"But the information that turncoat bunny gave you was Meggido encrypted," Leftie replied flicking her tail comfortingly against Les's hand. "You wouldn't have gotten the information without it."
"And it's taken over a very expensive computer," Les replied fuming.
"Well the generic box I built is working okay," Marsha said with a touch of pride in her voice.
"The other one had a better video card," Leftie <chittergriped>.
"Excuse me?" Marsha crossed her arms.
"Nothing," Leftie said, hiding behind her tail.
"As long as I don't have to shell out for more computer stuff for a while then I'm happy," Les concluded and walked away.
Marsha and Leftie gave each other conspiratorial looks. "We'll have to keep old 'Meggi' here off the network."
<chitter> "Agreed."
"Gina!" Marsha stuck her head in the younger woman's room. "Get your nose out of the book. We gotta practice."
Gina looked up and smiled. "Sure. Homework can wait."
They trampled down to the basement where Les was waiting. Behind him a poster was hung up. It read:
Fear Uncertainty Dread Deceit
"Ready to stomp some buns, Agent Bone? Agent Stick?" he said reinforcing the secrecy of the Mixed Fudd Division.
"You bet!" the woman chorused.
He led them through some stretches and exercises and progressed through to some basic axe katas.
"Okay, let's open up the firing range," he said after an hour of workout. He kept the tone formal. "Agent Stick, you go first."
Gina stood at one end of the cellar while Les and Marsha aimed bungee-powered catapults at her. They loaded old, stained stuffies obtained cheap at the local Salvation Army and bundled rags the size of devilbunnies. At Les's signal the stuffies flew across the room at Gina. As she slashed at them with her ax, Les pushed stuffies on roller skates towards her. After several minutes a pile of shredded cloth littered the floor around Gina.
"We're going to run out of these things pretty soon," she commented, picking a headless Big Bird from the mix.
"I'm waiting for the tennis ball thrower to go on sale," Les remarked. "My turn."
Once again the stuffies flew and stuffies rolled, innocent surrogates for deadly bunnies. Les handled the ax with familiar ease, but he was slower than his young pupil. Gina looked smugly at Les. "Gotcha Matrix."
"That's one reason I like the Grease Gun," he responded, "I'm not as fast as I'd like to be. I like to get them before they get close. Agent Bone?"
Marsha sighed and grimaced as she took up an ax. She nodded grimly at her compatriots as she took up the ready stance.
Again, the air was filled with formerly cuddly toys. One struck her square on the forehead and she staggered backwards. A look of fury broke out on her face and she hacked away at her flying and rolling assailants, advancing back to her original spot.
The barrage stopped. "DAMN!" she swore, "if that was real I'd be headed for the Little Blue Can."
"But you recovered well," Les replied. "We'd both better practice some more."
"Well, I guess I'm all done," Gina said smugly.
"True," Les nodded. "You can check on the squirrels and see if they've ripped up the insulation again. I thought I heard them rattling around last night."
Gina mounted the stairs scowling. "Why do I get all the dirty jobs?" she grumbled.
Marsha knocked on Gina's open door. "Got a minute?"
Gina looked up from her homework. "Oh... sure," she smiled softly. "Have a seat on the bed."
Marsha bounced on it. "Hmmm. Comfy."
"Yeah, Les got it for me," Gina replied. "Along with the desk, the chair... and the dresser."
"Les sure takes care of you."
"Yeah," Gina nodded and frowned. "He's still sweet on me, though he tries not to show it."
"Well, that's who I'd like to talk about. Les. Or rather, Agent Matrix." Marsha sighed. "I mean, all this secrecy stuff, Agent this, Agent that, it's needed I know but he seems to take it... well, really a bit too far."
Gina came over to the bed and sat next to the other woman. "You mean like how he changes when he dons his trench coat," she replied.
"Exactly. Dr. Pathways and Mr. Matrix... it spooks me sometime. You've known him longer - has he always been like this?"
Gina shrugged. "He has been as long as I've known him." Her eyebrows went up. "You don't think he's gone pathological on us?"
"No, no... I think it's just armor to protect himself when he's out in the field."
"It's long-lasting armor," Gina groused, "I've seen him remain all Matrix-y long after he's been in battle."
"I guess I can't blame him, in a way," Marsha said as she stared at the distance. "He is kinda cute."
"Don't say that to his face," Gina warned.
"Nah. But I'll bet it bugs him. Bet he was harassed in high school because of it. And here he is, Mr. Adorable - leading the fight against the ky00t."
Gina shook her head. "I guess as long as he stays balanced he'll be alright." She scootched closer to Marsha. "So how are you doing?" she asked gently.
"Actually, pretty good. Once the shock wore off about killer bunnies and a secret war I just took it in stride. Having my boyfriend steal my stuff," she growled, "now *that* hurt."
"Men," Gina waved dismissively, "who needs them?"
"Know what you mean, know what you mean," Marsha said quietly.
Gina leaned closer to put her arm around her.
Marsha stood and Gina lost her balance, falling face first on the bed. "I appreciate the talk," Marsha said, "but I've got stuff to do."
She looked at Gina curiously. "Going for a nap?"
"Umm, just stretching," Gina said as she moved in what she hoped was a seductive manner.
"Good idea. Catch you later."
Alone in her room, Gina sat on the bed. "Well that didn't go as well as could be hoped."
"Hey, I timed it just right!" Marsha said as Les and Gina came into the house.
The dining room table was set with plates and silverware, and the air was filled with the sweet aroma of cooking bacon and cornbread in the oven. "Get out of those Sunday clothes and tell me what how you want your eggs!" she hollered.
A few minutes later the three sat around the table digging into a brunch of bacon, eggs, cornbread with bacon gravy, hash browns, juice for Gina, tea for Les and coffee for Marsha.
"I really love these Sunday meals," Les said, dabbing his lips with a napkins. "It's almost like I'm back home enjoying a family meal."
He looked over at Gina. "So how were services?"
"Good. I'm glad there's a Catholic Church within walking distance. We have a very liberal priest and he's been very welcoming to me. It's been a real comfort. And how was yours?"
He paused. "Very good. We Episcopalians may sometimes call ourselves the 'Frozen Chosen', but we have quite the choir and the sermon was very uplifting." He looked over at Marsha with a hint of trepidation. "And how was your... ah..?"
"Ritual last night?" Marsha said enthusiastically. "It was great!" she grinned. "Best Full Moon I'd done in months. We drummed and danced and howled until we dropped."
"Ummm, how nice," he remarked quietly.
"I feel much better," Marsha replied reflectively. "Which brings up a question. Who can bless the vanilla?"
"Well, up in Utica we had an old fashioned Baptist minister." He smiled. "I watched him bless a batch. 'Ye shall taste true hell-fire you evil fluffers!' But as I understand it, anyone with enough belief can do it."
"Belief in what?" Gina asked delicately.
"That I'm not sure," Les replied. "But I'd feel better if we had an ordained minister on our team."
"And you think you have a candidate?" Marsha asked, looking at her two housemates.
Les and Gina looked at each other and shook their heads.
"Shall I go ask my high priestess?"
Gina rolled her eyes and Les looked uncomfortable. "Let's hold off on that."
After the Sunday dishes were cleaned up Les sat in the living room and unfolded his paper. Even though the headlines were blaring bad news he still took comfort in a cup of tea, his newspaper, and a quiet Sunday afternoon.
The sound of drilling below him brought him to his feet.
Downstairs he found Marsha on a ladder and armed with a large drill. She was inspecting the hole she had just drilled into the floor. "Excuse me?"
She looked at him through protective goggles. "Oh. I'm just finishing fishing the network cable through the walls."
"Networking," he said patiently. "You mean you want to hook up all the computers?"
"Yep. I've got enough Cat 5 and extra Ethernet cards so we can all have an hook-up in every room." She caught his look. "And no, this isn't costing you anything. I scavenged the cable and the Ethernet cards were cheap," she said attempting to sooth his sharp look.
"I am the homeowner," he with quietly anger, "I should have been consulted."
"Um, oh damn. I'm sorry." She descended from the ladder looking contrite. "I thought that with all that bandwidth Leftie's hogging upstairs I could set up a router and we could all access the Internet. Gina could use it for her homework..."
He held up his hand. "It's okay. Next time, ask first? Now, bring me up to speed."
"Okay, my bad. Well, this one's for the living room..."
"Why would we need a computer in the living room?" He quickly held up his hand again. "Never mind. I'll take your word for it."
"Leftie's already run lines to all the bedrooms. All we need to do is poke a hole in the wall and hook them up."
"Really?" He looked thoughtful. "That is a good idea. Show me where the lines are laid."
They ascended the stairs with Marsha talking techno-babble at him with words like firewall, Linux and Net-buoy.
They went to his room first. "You see, the line runs inside the wall and will come out over here," she pointed to the baseboard.
Then she looked up at the wall and squinted. "That's a mighty large nail hole in the molding up there."
"Hmmm?" he looked at the decorative molding that lined the room. "Hadn't noticed that before."
"Hand me a chair?" Marsha asked.
In the attic Leftie <tailtwitched> nervously as she saw Marsha look right into the tiny video camera. "Well, nothing to worry about," she heard through an equally tiny microphone. She <tailflicked> in relief as she watched the two leave the room.
Leftie heard footsteps on the stairs and hastily switched off the video monitoring. She sat by the keyboard and tried to act casual.
"Leftie," Matrix's voice floated up, "are you alone?"
"No, there's some others here," she replied as a minor chorus of chitterings came from the nooks and crannies of the attic room.
Matrix came up the stairs along with Agents Stick and Bone. "I need to talk to you privately. It's Top Secret and I need your input."
The two women nodded solemnly. Bone had a tool box and Stick carried the laptop Phong had given them.
Leftie <tailflicked> excitedly. Maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to get a look at the little computer that they used to communicated with their mysterious commander. Her paws twitched with anticipation. She turned to the other squirrels. "Sorry. This meeting is for Agents only."
"But Leftie," Branch Breaker whined, "it's cold outside..."
<SCREEEEEE!>
The squirrels quickly bounded up and out the little trap doors in the roof.
Leftie nodded to Matrix. "All clear." <tailflick>
Matrix looked at Bone. "Close them up," he said darkly.
Leftie watched with alarm as Bone produced some tools and proceeded to jam the squirrel doors.
Matrix swept the squirrel fur off a stool and sat down facing Leftie. "Let's talk about cameras."
"Little cameras," Stick fumed crossing her arms.
"Little video cameras that can be hidden in nail holes," Bone added as she approached her carrying a nasty-looking set of pliers. She went behind the computer and there came the sound of ripping wires. She came back with a handful of cable and a tiny video camera. "Like this one."
"Errr..." <nervouswashface> "I can explain..." <tailtremble>.
Matrix held up his hand. "Not before you hear what I have to say. We had an agreement. You help us, we help you. I've done my part. I've provided you nuts, shelter and Internet access. You've given me nothing but headaches. Now I discover you're invading our privacy. Give me one good reason to continue our relationship..."
"Please!" Leftie pleaded her tail twitching alarmingly.
"...as allies." He gave her a dangerous look. "Well?"
"Let me explain?" <bobhead> "We just wanted" <chitter> "to know" <washface> "more about humans." <bobheadbobhead> "We've observed" <chitter> "you for years but rarely" <tailtwitch> "close up." She jerked her glance to each one of the Fudds and could not find a friendly face among them.
"But our bedrooms?" smoldered Stick, tapping her foot impatiently.
"Well" <flickflick> "we were ah... hoping" <bobheadbobhead> "to see a mating ritual..."
"Fleckin' squirrel," Stick snarled and lunged at her.
Leftie bounded off the table in a panic and made a beeline to the exit. She hit the jammed door with a crack! and her vision flickered out.
"Leftie? Are you all right?"
Her head throbbed with pain. <chitterscree> "Ouch."
"Come on!" Matrix shouted now dressed in his trademark trenchcoat and sunglasses, Grease Gun and SuperSoaker at his side.
Agents Stick held her hockey stick aloft like a warrior princess. "We have received our orders!" she called out.
Agent Bone gripped an axe that dripped fire. "We gotta go!" she pronounced loudly.
"To the train yard!" they cried.
Leftie leapt to her paws and scrambled out the door. Across the rooftops and treetops she flew, racing the Fudd's rusty Cavalier to the Binghamton rail yard.
She felt a cold wind rise as she reached the rail yard. The sky turned black and lightning forked it's way to the ground. The Fudds' car arrived with in a cloud of rust and the <skreee> of bad brakes.
"There!" pointed Matrix as the warriors spilled out of the car.
On the tracks a black box car unfolded like a puzzle box. A giant raygun emerged from its roof and from beneath its wheels a horde of devilbunnies surged towards the Fudds. The wave of unholy fur reached the humans... and crested red as the Fudds waded through them. "Leftie!" Matrix cried out, "you're our only hope."
Seeing the Fudds unable to advance against the swarming devilbunnies, Leftie dashed across the only cable strung across the rails. From there she leaped upon the gleaming metal of the ray gun and slid within the boxcar.
Inside she discovered a giant laboratory with bubbling beakers, arcing machines and rows of computer screens. A human in an oversized bunny costume faced her. "So.. the mighty Fudds send a squirrel," he laughed maniacally.
A servant walked in with a long board with sliced cheese on it. "Oh... to have a cashew," the servant mourned.
<SKREEEE!>
Leftie leaped at the mad scientist and ripped open his costume. Blood spilled from the cloth. To her horror she realized it wasn't a costume.
"So now you know!" the bunny-man cackled. "Once my raygun is trained on Binghamton... there won't be a human left! Just bunnies like me! Like me! Like me! AH-HA-HA-HA- HA!"
The bunny-man pulled a switch and the machinery made an ominous churning sound. Leftie leaped towards one of the computer monitors and landed on the keyboard. The software registration screen came up.
"Hack away all you want!" the bunny-man shrieked . Lightning flashed against his fangs as thunder boomed outside. "You'll never get in! Never! NEVER!"
Leftie took one look at the screen and held down on the number 9 key. The screen whirled hallucinogenically. A buck-toothed Bill Gates appeared on the screen. "Welcome to Windows..." he chirped.
Leftie lifted up a CD in her paws. <SKREEEE>! "EAT THIS, BILLY!" And she pushed the shiny-shiny disk into the CD reader.
<Do you want to load Debian Linux?> the blinking text on the screen asked.
"Yes... YES," Leftie danced upon the mouse.
<Now loading Debian Linux...>
"No, no, nooooooooooo!!!!" cried the Buck-tooth Bill.
"No, no, nooooooooooo!!!!" echoed the bunny-man.
All the computer screens went haywire as she bounced from keyboard to keyboard landing precisely on the three keys that would reset the computers. Sparks flew across the room as the giant raygun began to tear itself to pieces. Green and blue light streamed out of the cracks.
"REBOOT!" a hundred computer voices thundered out and the raygun jerked around to face her. A golden beam of light struck her and threw her out the collapsing puzzle box.
She landed in Matrix's arms. He gasped as he looked at her. "Leftie... you're... human..."
"I am?" She looked at her long white fingers, and behind her to find no tail to <twitch>.
Strong arms surrounded her. Matrix removed his sunglasses and gazed at her with his sky-blue eyes. "For Saving The World, you deserve a kiss..."
"Come on Leftie," Agent Stick coaxed, "come on..."
"Wake up."
"Please, Leftie. Wake up."
Her eyes fluttered opened and she could she the three Fudds standing over her. Her head was aching and she could feel something cold on top of it.
"Damn it, Leftie," Matrix said softly, "you hit that door at full speed. Didn't you remember that we just jammed them shut?"
"We put on a little ice pack; hope it helps," Agent Bone said quietly.
Leftie carefully raised her head. She was back in the attic. She looked down at her little black paws, her right one still crippled. <swishflick> Her tail was still there.
<chitter> "I had the weirdest dream," she sighed. <bob><wince!> <bob><wince!><bobhead>.
"Well, we're glad that you're alright," Agent Stick muttered. She shook some loose wires at her. "But there is still this to deal with. You betrayed our trust."
"Please," <washface> "let me go. I have to go. I *need* to go."
"Only if you're all right," Matrix said with a stern but still concerned look.
"Yes." she wrung her paws. "I'll talk to my superiors. Even if I have to <skreeee!> in their ear. But please... let me go."
"Is anything worse than a whiny squirrel?" Stick said with a frown.
"No." Matrix said. "We've re-opened the door. Go to your superiors. I want to talk with them. Personally."
"Yes, yes."
She carefully made her way to the roof.
Softbelly heard a scratching at the entrance of the tree and poked her head out of her leafy nest. She regarded the other squirrel standing there. "Bright Eyes? Is that you?"
"Yes, Momma," the other squirrel said. "May I come in?"
"Of course! When would my nest not be open to one of my kits?"
"Cubs, momma," Bright Eyes said as she scampered in. "I looked it up on the Internet. Bunnies have kits. Squirrels have cubs." <bob><wince><bob><wince><bobhead>.
"Are you hurt again? Let me see your head," Her mother busied herself examining Bright Eye's head. "That's quite a bump you got there. Did those Fudds do anything to you?"
"No, Momma. I spied on them a little too much and a little too long, and got them upset."
"Some allies they've been," her mother fussed, "They can't even fix your crippled wrist. And how could my Little One upset those big humans?" She wrapped her tail around her offspring.
"You'd be surprised. Humans get excited about all sorts of strange things." <bob><wince><bobhead> "Can I stay with you awhile? I need to get away from them."
"Of course, my little acorn. You've spent far too much time with them." She buried herself into her ball of leaves. "Sometimes I think you want to be one of them."
Leftie shuddered and followed her mother in.
<beep><beep><beep>
Les threw down his napkin. "Bloody squirrels. I knew they'd come back around dinnertime."
Marsha, Gina and Les all went up to attic. A single squirrel sat caught in a wire trap.
<skrreee!> "So this is the way you treat allies."
"That's the way we treat vermin," Les replied. "Allies, that's to be seen. Who are you?"
"I am Commander Blacknose Swifttail," <puffchest> "leader of the free squirrels."
"Great. Another commander," Les muttered. "Look, we cut a deal: we've delivered the cashews, the Internet, even a place to keep a few dozen squirrels over the winter. We've kept our part, now you deliver something back."
"Like?" <inquisitive tailflick>
"Information." He pointed to the squirrel. "Your people are everywhere. You have a squirrel's eye view of everything. And you used to be the servants..."
<skkkkrrrreeeee!> "Slaves!"
"...of the bunnies. I want to know what you know. Where you know it, and how you know it. I want locations of bunny entrances," he ticked it off with his hand, "when they were last used, how often they were used..."
<angrychitter> "And you think we know all this?"
Gina leaned in close. "As slaves, you had to know some of this."
He waved his tail dismissively. "Old information."
"New to us. Pony up," she declared, "Or no more cashews."
"How's Leftie?" Marsha asked quietly.
"She's fine," <tailflick>. "Why?"
"She left here with quite a bump on her head. We're concerned."
"Really?" the squirrel said doubtfully.
"Really," Marsha nodded and Les hesitantly followed. Gina just frowned.
"Why would you care?" the squirrel chittered as he wrapped his tail about him like a cloak. "She's a cripple and a failure. She was supposed to study you up close. Not get film of you mating. That was her own project."
"You let her know," Gina snarled, "If I get my hands on her I'm going to make mittens of her."
"Enough," Les said. He stepped over to the cage and opened the doorway leading to the roof. "You've messed with my home life enough. When you want to share... like allies share, on an equal basis, then return. Now leave."
The squirrel scampered up and out without a <chitter>.
Another bunny leaped at him and he cut it down.
Les stood on the field of battle, a bloodied fireaxe in hand, swiping away at the fanged furred furries that flew at him. One by one he cut them down, slicing away at them.
When not a single bunny was left alive he looked down and saw - not a pile of devilbunnies - but his sister at his feet, hacked to pieces.
"Dougie," the dead woman said, "Why did you kill me?"
Les awoke, his face wet with sweat. "Oh God, why my sister... why...?"
The time was 12:45 AM. Unwilling to try going back to sleep, he rose and put on a bathrobe. He descended the stairs carefully on the watch for more nut shells and other squirrel debris. He shook his head. When Leftie was around they weren't so messy.
And the handrails weren't so sticky.
A light was on in the kitchen and he discovered Marsha sitting at the table, wearing her leather jacket and pouring herself a glass of beer.
She looked up at him with tired eyes. "Hey. Looks like it's Sleepless in Johnson City. Hope I didn't wake you when I stepped out for a six-pack."
He shook his head as he went to the sink and washed his hands.
She took a drink. "Do you have weird dreams after taking anti-bunnies shots? I mean, really weird?"
He shuddered. "Yes. This one was bad."
"Want a beer?"
"No." He huffed as he sat down. "I thought I told you that I wanted a dry house."
She gave him a hard look. "You're not that virtuous. Let me guess. You had a bad bout with the booze and you went all priggish about it. Right?"
She frowned at his uncomfortable silence. "Right. Bunnies?"
"Yes," he said with a sigh. "But I still..."
"Yeah, yeah; I'm being a Bad Girl. Did you have a problem with booze before?"
"No. But I still said..."
"Then you shouldn't now." She pushed a bottle towards him. "I hate to drink alone."
He looked at her carefully. "What's got you so upset? Anti-bunnies induced nightmares?"
"Naw, they're like fever dreams. They're kinda cool." No... it's Gina." She took a drink and slouched onto the table. "Darn woman gots the hots for me... and I ain't interested. She's too darn young and too darn... female."
"Oh?"
"Well, y'know, even though I've had a bad time with some men, I still like 'em in general." She chuckled. "Well, I like women too. But I like men differently. But the whole dating scene has gotten old. Besides, there's a man I've taken a liking to and, well..." she took another drink, "It seems I've offended him. Twice."
"If you'll forgive me, you seem a little inept in your relationships," Les said gently. "Do you think you could still talk to that man, have a heart to heart with him?"
Marsha smiled weakly. "I'm trying to."
"Oh." He considered the beer in front of him. "Let me get a glass."
He retrieved a glass from the cupboard and poured himself some water. "Cheers?"
"Cheers."
They clinked glasses.
Les cocked his head. "Have I been dense?"
"Naw... I've been quiet. You see, I wanted to see if this was a bounce back from my last relationship. But you know, I've taken a shine to you, Les. Heck, I even like Matrix. What brings you down here?"
Les fidgeted for a moment. "Dreamed about my sister. Dreamed about killing her."
"Ouch. That'll drive one to drink."
"That's why I don't drink. It doesn't help anyway."
Marsha snorted. "Yeah, I know. But it tastes good."
She drained her glass. "I'm sorry, Les."
"Well, please don't bring drink into the house again." He shook his head. "I don't want to take any chances."
"I meant about your sister."
"Oh. Thanks."
"Want to talk?"
"Not now."
"Want a hug?"
"Ummm," he hesitated, "We didn't hug in my family."
"Learn." She came over and put her arms around him. Les could smell scent of incense and leather on her.
When he back to sleep he dreamed of rock concerts and 'Smoke On the Water' by Deep Purple.
Anyone familiar with Binghamton's Recreation Park knows there are a fair number of squirrels around. Yet this night they would have been alarmed to see the numbers of furry shapes scampering around the branches high in the oak trees. A noisy chittering rose eerily across the park. It would have warmed the heart of any Hitchcock fan.
"Order!" <chitterskree> "Order!"
Leftie sat alertly as the other squirrels gathered. They were not a happy troop.
"We want our cashews!"
"Where's our nuts?"
"I want to read my 'Kevin and Kell'!"
<SSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE>
Blacknose Swifttail hopped on to a high branch. "Quiet down! We don't want to alarm the humans."
The chittering quieted down but there were enough <aggreavedtailflicks> to start a small breeze.
"The question is," Blacknose started, "is do we give in to the Fudds demands or do we take back what is ours!"
The <agreechitters> rose up in the dark branches.
"No!" Leftie cried out, "We can't treat them like we do the bunnies! The Fudds aren't like the bunnies! We can't dupe them like we did the bunnies!"
"Why not?" <derisiveflick> Blacknose questioned, "It worked with the bunnies."
"But we can only fool Riverside warren. Matrix isn't like Lorrie Whitetail." <affirmativeflick>. "We can't jump on both ends of the branch; we can't keep stringing both of them along."
"Why not?" chittered one from the mass of gray and white fur, "We get more that way."
"Because if the Fudds find out, we'll have no one to turn to except the bunnies."
Angry chitters rippled through the crowd.
"Do you think they're stupid?" Leftie continued as she stood on her hind legs. "Most of us haven't a clue what humans do. I do. I've been studying them. They're the ones that _plant cashew trees, that _harvest cashews and then _package them in nifty containers. Now you tell me that isn't a sign of intelligence!"
"I still say we should string them along," Blacknose said. <annoyedtailflick> "We've done well by that policy, and we should continue."
He gave her a steely look. "Unless you care to oppose me on this, cripple? I'll even let you pick the challenge. What will it be? Branch jumping? Treetop racing? Trunk sprint?"
Leftie returned the look. "Puzzle me," she said in response to his challenge.
An excited chittering rose from the troop. A puzzle contest meant that Leftie had to solve a problem Blacknose gave her. It had to be witnessed by the troop. "Spinner! Spinner! Spinner!" the squirrels chanted.
Blacknose gauged the crowd like a politician going for re-election.
"Spinner it is."
Arthur and Francine Reed were awakened early one morning by the patter of little feet.
Or, to be more exact, the thunder of hundreds of paws upon their roof.
They looked at each other with alarm and grabbed their robes.
"What was that?" Arthur asked, putting on his glasses.
"I don't know, but we'd better find out!" Francie replied.
When they looked out the window a bizarre sight was laid out before them. In their back yard they could see dozens of squirrels lining the bushes and trees. For a moment it looked like some were squabbling for a good view of the bird feeder.
"Well," Francine remarked with a smile, "this should be interesting."
A squirrel jumped to the tree with the bird feeder. It crawled along the branch, then made its way down the steel cable. It slipped past the long plastic tube that held the seeds and nuts to grasp the circular perch. As always, its hind legs lost their grip on the tube and the squirrel's full weight was transferred to the perch. The circular perch, designed for the light weight of a bird, began to spin on its vertical axis. The squirrel held on for several rotations before it lost its grip and fell off.
The couple laughed.
"That'll teach them to try to steal birdseed," Francine chuckled.
"Uh-oh, here comes another," grinned Arthur.
Indeed, there came another squirrel and after it another, each trying to get at the birdseed, each being thrown off the perch. The couple laughed as their high-tech bird feeder defeated each squirrel in turn.
"Hey, check this one out," Arthur said as he adjusted his glasses. "I think it's lame. Look at its front paw."
"You're right, and its got a stick in its mouth."
As had the others, the lame squirrel shimmied down the cable. But when it landed on the circular perch it hooked its injured arm into the perch.
It snatched the stick with its good paw. <SKREEEE><SKREEEE> <SKREEEE> it screeched in pain as its full weight hung from its injured paw.
The squirrel made a quick motion with its other paw and jumped off the perch, its tiny flanks heaving in pain. The stick it had carried was now firmly wedged in the perch's spinning mechanism. Another squirrel landed on the jammed perch and began tossing seeds all over the ground.
"Did you see that?" Arthur gasped.
"Of course I did, I was standing here with you! Why didn't you get the camera?"
"Why didn't you? It's _your camera!"
As they squabbled they failed to notice a group of squirrels carrying off the lame one.
"Remind me," Marsha asked Les, "who am I tonight?"
"You're Agent Red and I'm Agent Green," he replied as he steered his car toward the local park.
She sighed. "How many of those phony agents do you have?"
"As many as we need to have." He parked the car on the snowy street and shut off the lights. "Let's go see if that Fourier's information is still valid."
"Winter camo?"
"Check."
"Night vision goggles?"
"Check."
"Slingshots?"
"Check."
"Cooler?"
"Check."
Carrying the cooler, they skirted the wooden gate to Highland Park, donned their night vision goggles and quietly settled down to wait among the trees.
It was long after midnight when Agent Red pointed to a motion near one of the slumbering picnic tables. The snow trembled and a hatch opened. A bunny poked its head out and wiggled its nose. It hopped out onto the snow and was soon followed by two others.
Agent Green nodded. Both pulled out large slingshots. From the cooler they retrieved balloons inflated with a dark liquid.
One of the bunnies stood up sniffing, looking alert and on guard. The Moxie filled balloon hit it squarely in the chest. The bunny made a slight burbling sound as it fell over, dissolving on the gray snow.
The other balloon fell short and splattered across the icy snow. One bunny sprinted back to the hole screaming as its paws were burned by the Moxie.
The third took off madly toward the woods but two balloons landed close enough to splatter it. Injured, it skidded to a halt.
The two Fudds slipped on their ski masks and carefully came up to the injured devilbunny.
"This opening is in violation of our agreement," Agent Green said in a deep voice as Agent Red dropped several more Moxie balloons down the hole. "It is too close to human habitation."
The bunny gnashed its teeth. "Screw you, Fudd. We'll feast on your toes one day!"
"Tell Bouncy that we'll be back," Agent Green said darkly. "Let's go, Agent Red."
The two Fudds retreated out of the park. "Well, wasn't that fun way to spend a night," Marsha muttered as they drove away.
"Fun, no. Instructive, yes," he said pulling off the mask. "We know that at least some of Hannibal's information is accurate." He glanced at her. "Would you've prefered to stay home and deal with squirrels?"
"After what they did to us I'm surprised you let them back at all."
"The spying was Leftie's fault. I'm working on a gut feeling that the squirrels want what we can provide them. They'll behave."
Les remained silent for a moment. "You know, I've always had the feeling that Leftie liked me. My quick reflexes and moderately new brakes saved her life. But there seemed to be... I don't know. Something more."
"Well, I kinda liked the little furball myself," Marsha confessed. "I'm not sure I'd trust her again. But this new bunch may be worse."
"Oh?"
"The trackball," Marsha said sternly, "is for the computer and the computer _only_. Got that?"
Jumper nodded. "Understood. But..." <chewchewchew> "Could we keep the old one for..."
"Non-computer use?"
<agreeflick> "It would nice."
She handed over the old trackball and marched out of the attic. She leaned against door jam on Gina's room. "Could you explain to me why Les agreed to bring the Rat Pack back?"
"Because the squirrels are starting to share information," Gina started as she put down her notebook. "Because the squirrels promised to be good. Because Les is an idiot. Because Les is a glutton for punishment?"
"Well they didn't run about the house like this when Leftie was..."
She whirled as a gray form zipped by her. "HEY YOU! STAY OUT OF MY ROOM."
The squirrel retreated out of Marhsa's. "We just wanted to get a new swing," <innocentchitter>.
"Swing?"
"We found this stretchy-cool stuff in your room but it's all worn out now."
Gina covered her mouth. "Did it have two seats on it?"
<chitter> "Why yes..."
"Have the word 'Bali' on it?" she asked barely containing her laughter.
Marsha balled her fists. "You little fur..."
The lights dimmed. There was a cry from up in the attic.
The squirrel bounded into the attic. Marsha paused to get a flashlight before pursuing.
The attic was dark. "Um..." Jumper <chitter> "I think we tripped one of those thingies?"
"Circuit breaker," Marsha muttered. A few small windows did provide some light but she needed the flashlight to probe the darkness. Behind the semi-finished wall she found the culprit. "Someone chewing on wires again?"
<moanchitter>
She inspected the wiring. "I can patch this, but when Les finds out he's not going to be happy."
She glanced at the squirrels crowding about. "No more 'Rainforest Crunch' for you bunch."
<indignantchitter>
"AND GIVE ME BACK MY BRA!"
"Out! Out! OUT!" Gina yelled.
A cavalcade of squirrels bounded out of the kitchen and retreated up the stairs, leaving a trail of paw prints in various types of flour.
Gina rubbed her forehead. "Oh God, Les is going to be really pissed this time..."
The door opened and Les walked in, still in his tie and button-down shirt. Marsha was just behind him. They stopped dead as they saw the carnage.
"My baking supplies," Les mourned.
"MY TOOLS!" Marsha howled. "What is my socket set doing in the kitchen?"
Les looked up at Gina, his face surprisingly blank. "Just got back from school?"
"And I found... this," she spread her hand in frustration. "You haven't seen the living room yet," Gina said darkly.
"The drapes? Had to chase them off there yesterday."
"The drapes, the chair, the sofa."
They moved into the living room. The drapes had been pulled down and the overstuffed chair had been ripped into. The sofa had gotten off lightly; it was merely covered with the remains of a jar of strawberry jam.
"You need new furniture anyway," Marsha said sympathetically.
"Bedrooms," Les said quietly.
The women dashed up the stairs while Les calmly followed.
"GET OUT OF MY DRAWERS!" Marsha shouted.
"Told you you needed a stronger lock," Les remarked.
"We should have locked the attic door!" Marsha fumed as she retrieved her bras. "This isn't worth it, Les. We're being screwed by squirrels again!"
Les furrowed his brow. "This didn't happen when Leftie was here. She kept the other squirrels in line. Except for the business with the mail. And the exercise tapes."
He frowned. "And my Butter Almond Ice Cream."
"Found more of your tools," Gina said holding a hacksaw. "But they didn't get into my room."
<chitter?>
They turned to see a squirrel by the attic door. "Um," <nervouschitter> "I needed the tools to open the computer."
"And what did you frell up this time, Jumper?" Marsha said menacingly.
"Er... " <flickflick> "And I found a file I thought was about acorn trees." <puzzledlook> "Doesn't deltree stand for delicious tree?"
"Del tree! DELETE TREE! What directory did you hose?"
"Er..." <nervouschitter> "I can see the trees from the windows so..."
Les looked thoughtful. "Ice cream," he murmured.
He calmly descended the stairs and returned to the kitchen, carefully tip-toeing around the scattered flour, sugar and chocolate bits. He opened the freezer door.
<chatterchitter> "Thank you," the shivering squirrel said as it hopped down on the ground. He left the gnawed remains of Les's butter almond ice cream behind.
"I miss Leftie," Les sighed. "At least she used a bowl."
"You did WHAT!" <outragedchitter>
Leftie and Jumper sat on a branch not far from the Fudd's residence.
"Er..." Jumper <hesitanttailtwitch>. "Well I thought I could get more performance with another computer on our network."
<SCREEEEE!> "YOU PUT MEGGIDO ONLINE?" Leftie jumped up and down on the branch. "I told you not to DO that!"
<chewchewchew> "But was just sitting there..."
"Is that when they threw you out?" Leftie tail twitched angerly.
"Oh no. It was something about missing credit cards. You were right," <bobheadbobhead>, "They have them in the their carry bags."
"YOU STOLE THEIR CREDIT CARDS?" <alarmtailwave>.
"Well..." <chewchewchew>, "just borrowed them. They didn't have to sent _all_ the Rainforest Crunch back," Jumper groused.
Leftie chittered furiously. "You stupid tree stump. You flattened roadkill. You and your wire-chewing friends have blown it bad."
Jumper opened his mouth to speak.
"Worse than my cameras!" Leftie snapped.
"Oh."Jumper <tailflicked> "They want you back."
Leftie stared in surprise. "They do?" <hopeful tailcurl>.
"Agent Bone says she needs your help to clean up the network and Matrix says he needs someone to 'ride herd' on us."
Leftie hesitated. "And Gi... Agent Stick?"
"Something about betrayal and mittens?" Jumper <shrugflick>.
"I'd best be on my best behavior," Leftie <bobheaded>.
"It's good to have you back, Leftie," Matrix said reluctantly. "To be honest, of all the squirrels, I have the least trouble with you."
He frowned. "Mostly."
"It's good to be back," Leftie chittered as she sat by the computer. "And I'm sorry about the cameras." <washface> "You won't have any more problems, I promise." <sinceretailwave> "I let my curiosity get away with me and I promise to be good now."
"Here, peace offering," Marsha said as she put a cashew on her shoulder.
Leftie scurried up Marsha extended arm to perch on her shoulder. <happychitter> "Thank you. We've..." <hesitanttailflick> "held back a lot from you. It was squirrel policy to squeeze as much as possible from you." <washface> "We used it with success with the bunnies so it made sense to use it with you."
"So you've had double-dealings with the bunnies?" Matrix said sharply.
"Errr... <chitter>, yes." Leftie hid her face with her tail. "But we never gave them any information about you. And things will change, I promise." <bobhead>
"We're not bunnies," Marsha said darkly.
<flickflick> "Yes." <flickflick> "But old habits die hard. And it matched your own thoughts about allies."
Matrix raised his eyebrows. "You mean Deception and Deceit?"
"Yes." <twitchtwitch> "It's a very squirrelly philosophy." <bobheadbobhead>
"Well, the cameras have given me an idea," Marsha started up. "We can attach a camera on a squirrel and send it to your important crossroads. We'll be following with a TV to pick up the signal and we can make a map of the area."
<considerflick> "But we already know where we are."
"But we don't."
"Oh." <flickflick> "We can do this."
The snow was starting to melt, turning the ground gray and messy. But far about the slush and the dirt a squirrel scampered along a telephone wire. Outlined in the rising sun, someone watching carefully might see something strapped to the squirrel's back.
Below it, a rusty Chevy followed.
"Okay, we're at the corner of Beethoven and Go-ethy," Marsha said as she watched the grainy video on a portable TV.
"That's Goethe - 'ger-ta'," an annoyed Gina said from the back seat. She checked another location on her map.
"Is that how you pronounce it?" Marsha adjusted her headset/microphone. "Chalk up another one for the college girl."
"Humph."
"Least it's a *short* street," Les murmured. "Okay, where next?"
Marsha listened to the chatter in her headphones. "Rattail says we're going sunset."
"That's west." Les adjusted the compass mounted on his dashboard. "Tell him we're right behind him."
Hour after hour, street after street, through the Triple Cities they drove, following the squirrel after squirrel. Stopping only to eat and change the batteries in the squirrel cam, they began to map out the area once known as the Parlor City as seen through the eyes of those high above.
When the sun set they returned to the Fudd base known as Les's house. At the computer Leftie sat by her computer to help tabulate, plot and attempt to translate when possible.
They'd been at it barely an hour when Les threw down his pencil. "We gotta talk to Phong." He fumed.
The two women nodded in agreement, their own anger plainly written on their faces.
The Red Hen Stop-N-Shop just inside Troy, Pennsylvania had an unusually high number of people asking for Moxie that Saturday morning. But the middle aged woman behind the counter merely nodded and smiled at the old Asian man in a straw hat, the young man in a trench coat, the woman in leather and a younger woman dressed in black. They were regulars.
"Happy hunting," she waved to them as they went out the door.
Ignoring Les's rusting Cavalier, the three Binghamton Fudds climbed into the anonymous white van that was Phong's rolling command headquarters. Phong turned to a country-western station and huddled with Matrix's cell group.
"So what was so important that you all needed to meet with me personally?" he asked with a hint of annoyance.
Matrix pulled out a map. "Here's a printout of the map you gave me." He traced an area on it. "This area you declared off-limits to Fudd activity."
The woman in black pulled out another map. "And this is a map of bunny activity in the Triple Cities area."
Her finger tapped angrily. "The area you declared off limits has *several* bunny entrances."
Phong narrowed his eyes. "And where did you get this information, Agent Stick?"
The woman in leather leaned forward. "The squirrels told us."
Phong made a dismissive noise. "And you believe them?"
"Want to see the pictures?" Agent Bone snarled.
"There are things you don't need to know... "
"Damnit, Phong!" Matrix exclaimed, "our house is four blocks away from one of those entrances! We *need* to know!"
For several moments there was silence from the Fudd leader. 'Your Cheatin' Heart' burbled from the speakers.
The commander sighed quietly. "Years ago, I cut a deal with the leader of the Riverside warren."
"WHAT!" Matrix exclaimed. "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Because he saved my life."
The song ended and Phong turned to a rock radio station. 'Crossroad' by The Cream pumped from the speakers.
"Ever wonder what happened to the Binghamton United Defense Division?" he asked quietly.
"*You* told us that they all died in a surprise bunny attack," Bone said darkly.
"Nearly all," Phong whispered.
"We were all going out an picnic - a family picnic," he said bitterly, "when the bus broke down on the way to the lake. No one knew then that the driver was a symp; he'd arranged the breakdown. When some of the adults stepped out to stretch their legs, the bunnies attacked. A huge pack of buns managed to rush the doors and we were slaughtered on the bus. I managed to get out the back door and run away."
"Wait, wait," Matrix interrupted. "When was this?"
"1949. I was... much younger then, a child really."
Bone looked at him with horror. "They killed children?"
"Women, children, everyone. I hid behind a tree but was discovered by a bunny. His muzzle was covered with blood. I was... very frightened. He stared at me for several moments before telling me to lie down and play dead. I fell to my belly and I felt him wipe blood on me." He shivered. "I lay there for hours while they 'prepared' the bus... and the corpses to make it look like an accident."
Phong shook his head. "My family... my friends. All gone. But that one young bun, barely an adult himself, guarded me against the other buns. He came back to check on me and told me again and again that he didn't kill kits. Although I never told him my name, he gave me his: Furry Thunderfoot."
The three younger Fudds sat stunned at Phong's story. "So this Furry Thunderfoot didn't kill you..." Matrix murmured.
Phong nodded, "When his entire warren reveled in child killing. In my dreams I can still hear them scream 'Kill the kits! Kill the kits!' "
He held his hand up at their growls of anger. "Let me finish. I survived, and when I was old enough I had my revenge on that symp. Then I searched for and found my enemies. All I needed was a method to vanquish them."
He shifted in his seat. "The highway - Route 17 - was just being constructed. A few lines changed here and there on the master plans and the highway was shifted enough to run over what I was sure was the main bunny lair. The bulldozers and road machines pounded the burrows and collapsed them faster than the fluffers could dig them... or dig out the ones that were buried."
"Rather indiscriminate," Bone said, crossing her arms.
"Damn straight," Phong muttered. "By the Tao! What did I care? Kits, milbuns, does - they were fluffers. They killed my family. And when the workers went away and night fell, I pumped poison gas down whatever entrances I could find. There were others that helped me, but I was the one with blood on my hands."
He looked over the brim of his hat at Matrix. "Yes, my son. I know about revenge."
"But one night about a dozen of the fluffers came out and found me. I was alone that night, armed with only my ax. I stepped into their path, swearing to die killing as many as I could. But they stopped before they got to me and a single bun hopped forward. I don't think he recognized me, but I recognized him. It was Furry Thunderfoot. He spoke to me of visions he'd had, that his people had been wrong to hurt the humans. To hurt people was against The Fluff, he said, and if I would spare what was left of his people they would never hunt or harm another human ever again, and spent the rest of their lives searching for their own inner ky00t."
"And you believed him," Matrix snorted.
"Young man," Phong said sharply, "He has kept his word. I let him and his people go. That, young Matrix, was the beginning of Riverside Warren. And from our... association... I've learned more about the bunnies than other Fudds have learned in decades."
"I suppose you want us to respect that private treaty," Agent Bone asked doubtfully.
"I demand it."
He rose. "As long as they stay out of the War, we let them be."
"Now go," And he pointed to the van door.
"The nerve of that man," Stick said as she slammed the door on Matrix's Cavalier. A small shower of rust fell from the car. "He wants us to let bunnies live? Toe-eating monsters and he trusts them?"
"I don't know," Agent Bone replied as she settled into her seat, her leather squeaking. "What do you think, Matrix?"
He stared at the Phong's van as it rolled away. "Did you notice that he lost his Asian accent in the middle of his story?"
"Don't worry," Leftie chittered, "We'll keep you posted on Riverside Warren." <bobheadbobhead>
"Good." He rubbed his temples. "This whole thing gives me a headache."
"Matrix?" <anxioustailtwitch> "Could you do me a small favor?"
He eyed the squirrel and frowned. "What do you consider small?"
"Could I have some small pieces of fabric? Soft stuff? I don't want to mess up your insulation and I need to make a nest. This will be my first litter and I'd really like my kits to have a nice place to be born in."
"Sure, that's reasonable. We can scrounge up some... YOU'RE HAVING A LITTER?"
"Well..." <pleasedchitter> "Yes. It's late in the season but..." her eyes glowed with happiness, "...yes."
"I thought you couldn't get ah... a date with your crippled paw."
"Well. I had to convince the other squirrels to start dealing honestly with you," <bobheadbobhead> "so I challenged Blacknose to a puzzle. And I won!" <pleasedtailswish> "So to the victors... ah." <chitter>
"Well, that's... nice," Matrix said slowly.
"Oh, and..." <hesitanttailflick> "I had another name... before I was crippled," she whispered. "Only my family uses it now. My birth name was Bright Eyes."
"Would you like to be called that?" Matrix asked gently.
"Just by you. I think of you as family." <tailswish> "You should be proud."
"I guess so," he said diplomatically.
He clasped his hands together. "Well, this has been a week of extraordinary surprises. I discover I have fluffers for neighbors, I'm a member of a squirrel family, and my own leader is pulling a Deceit and Deception on _me. What else could possibly happen?"
"Les?" Agent Bone called up into the attic. "Good news and bad news. The good news is the network works perfectly. Kudos to Leftie."
Pleased, the squirrel chittered happily.
"Bad news - your car won't start."
"Arrrrrgh!" He buried his head in his hands and descended the stairs.
[/s]
Home Life started as a short, three to five episode story. Like many of my stories, it got bigger as I wrote it. It began to dovetail into other ideas I had floating around and expanded as parts fell into place. At 26 episodes it's my longest to date.
Some highlights:
'Marie' in Episode 1 (Special Delivery) is based on my neighbor Mary. She's a nice woman with two teenage kids. Apparently, she is the only one in her family who still smokes, so I occasionally see her on the porch smoking.
'Fear, Uncertainity, Dread and Deceit' mentioned in Episode 4 (Workout) is based on a Microsoft document about frightening people away from no-MS products with a campaign of Fear, Uncertainity and Doubt. First manifested in the minor problem DR-DOS from Caldara had with Windows 3.0. Although a quick patch solved the problem early Windows installation screens warned of incompatibility with DR-DOS, effectively killing the rival.
Episode 6 (Services) had the characters talk a bit about the question of who can bless vanilla or human urine to create BVE and BHU: two of the weirdest weapons I've ever heard of. It was a topic I had discussed with other writers on the newsgroup.
Leftie's dream sequence in Episodes 9 (Duty Calls) and 10 (Mission -Impossible!) took time to write but was a lot of fun. It was also influenced by my reading White Wolf's Sons of Ether source book. Clear ether!
A fact for geeks: some versions of a Microsoft Operating System will accept all nines as a valid registration number.
The squirrel defeating bird feeder in Episode 16 really exists and is available through Droll Yankee. I saw a video of it in action and knew it needed a place in my story.
My editor (the wonderful and fantastic no-you-can't-have-her she's-mine Kylinn) suggested the squirrels needed to torment the characters more. As you wish, I replied. I added a few juicy bits and what became Episodes 18 and 20.
The mini-video cameras mentioned in the story really exist and are available for about a 100 dollars American for black and white, color a bit more.
The locals have interesting ways of pronouncing things. Beethoven Street mentioned in Episode 22 (The Relay) has been refered to as Beat-Hoven Street. And yes, there is a short street named Goethe and even *I* called it Go-ethy.
Episode 22 was written with the Who's song 'The Relay' running through my mind.
The Red Hen Stop-N-Shop just inside Troy, Pennsylvania mentioned in Episode 23 really exists and they have Moxie. Yum.
"Home Life" was the sequel to "House Warming." I'm sure that as time goes on the household of Les (Agent Matrix) Pathways will grow and change. We'll keep you posted.
Thanks again to Kylinn, my (no-you-can't-have-her-she's-mine) editor. Additional thanks go out to the newsgroup, especially to Edie for her friendship, Moxie Man for squirrels and Moxie, and Dylan for his stories.
-JennyM
Originally published on alt.devilbunnies April 28 - June 2, 2003.