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<Tense human announcer's voice>
"In our last episode of Parlor City Stories, the brave Fudds of the secret Mixed Fudd Division had..."
<CLICK>
<hophophop>
<chirpy bunny voice>
"You don't want to hear any more *boring* stories about hairless apes!" <wise noddle> "You want more stories about buns!" <bouncebounce> "We're nicer to look at <preen> and much nicer to cuddle!" <bounce bounce bounce>
<canned applause>
"When we left our poor abused bunnies," <wide-eyed blink> "White Paw and Aaron, they'd just been abandoned by their rotten allies at Northside <big rasberry> but welcomed by the wonderful buns at Soutside warren. They're an Educational Facility don't you know." <knowing fluff>
<canned cheers>
"So, if you want to know hear about cutsy bunny tails <shimmywiggle> and bunny tales stay tuned for Parlor City Stories Season Three: School Daze!"
<bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce>
<canned applause>
President Mellow Ears hopped up to the podium. "Welcome, students. Welcome to the Bunny University of New York, Southside Parlor City. As your president I will make sure that your educational experience is the finest in the nation..."
Tansy listened to the speech with only one ear. Inside, she was bouncing excitedly at being away from home for the first time, and away from the 'parental units'. College was her first big step into the greater world of bunnydom and she was ready to make her mark.
She cheered with the other buns as the president finished his remarks. He was okay for an old bun.
"What shall we do first?" whispered Belle, her roommate. "If we hop quick we can get to the bookstore before it closes..."
Two young bucks wandered over to them. Tansy glanced at Belle and they both giggled. The bookstore could wait.
"Hi there!" one said to Tansy, "didn't we meet at registration? Yeah! Did you ever get into that class you wanted?"
"No, <tiltear> Symp Aquistion was filled by the time I got to it."
"Hey," the other <fluffed>, "what did you think of the old wind bag trying to seem cool, huh?" the other <fluffed> at her.
"Oh, he wasn't that bad <cautiouspoofle>," Belle replied, glancing over the buck's shoulder.
"Yeah, right. What a loser!" he laughed.
"Oh, did my speech bore you?"
The two bucks spun around to face President Mellow Ears. "Err.. " <oopsfluff>.
"Then I need to get to know my students better," the President remarked. "It keeps me on my paws." He turned to Belle, "And you're..?"
"Belle Adonna, sir. Bio major."
"Oooo. Our biology department has just received a shipment of the latest, most grooviest equipment. I think you'll like it here. <knowingfluff>" He turned to Tansy. "I think I saw you with the bungineering students. It's a little unusual to get a doe into bungineering. You're...<tilt ears>?"
"Tansy, sir, <shyfluff>. I'm taking computer sciences. And cyptography too."
"Ah, so we have a budding geekbun? <agreeablepoofle>. Where are you from, Tanzy?"
"Chenango Warren, sir."
"Ah, a small place. You're our first student from there, aren't you?"
"Oh yes, sir <proudfluff>. Everyone's really proud of me. I'm also in the mentat training program."
"That's way cool. And your two buck friends..," he looked around, "have seemed to have vanished. But I'm sure they'll be back <wink>. Now let me remind you not to spend *all* of your time in the biology labs and computer centers. There's lots to do around the campus."
"I won't sir," Tansy <agreepoofled> "I've got lots of parties, <blushpoofle>... I mean other student activities planned."
"Well, part of your education here at BUNY Parlor City is the broadening of one's mind by exposing you to new ideas and experiences," he said. "We have a great array of courses and extra curricular activities that you should look into. Tell me Tansy, have you considered... dance?"
Tansy looked wide eyed. "Uhm, no, not really."
"I'll bet you'll be a natural."
"You really think so? <adorable blink>"
"Of course! Just check with your advisor."
"Um, sir? <shy hopeful blink> Our warren doesn't have many symps and I was wondering if I could get into..."
Mellow Ears nodded, "Symp Acquistion and Control? I'm sure you'll do well in that course <knowingwink>. I'll personally see that you get into it."
"Oh thank you, sir!" <delighted wiggle>
"And you, Belle?"
"It'd be nice if I could join Tansy..."
"Oh, I'm sure we can squeeze in one more bun <offhand fluff>. Take advantage of your time here, you two," the President said. "Remember... we're an educational facility."
'Big' Blueberry entered the Hopping Grounds and made his way over to the table on the far side of cafeteria where his buddies where congregated. "Whassup?"
'Spiky' Hawthorne chewed his lettuce thoughtfully. "Not much. Still had to work on that <ickpoofle> contaminated area."
"Yeah, smells like team vanilla," said 'Sysop' Hyssop, and she bared her teeth. "If our instructor tells us to lay another meter of cable there I swear I'll fang him."
"Yeah," said Big Blue, "I mean like, we're _seniors_."
"Woooowwww!" said Spiky <amazepoofle>, "check out what just hopped through the door."
The three techbuns turned to see a young doe enter the student lounge. "What," said Blue, "that kit? Are we getting invaded by townies again?" He looked her over appreciatively. "Kinda big for her age."
"Oh wow like, that must be Tansy," Spiky replied. "She's a freshbun. Heard about one of the instructors talking about her. She wants to be a techbun." A broad grin spread across his face. "Ain't she a looker."
Sysop curled her lip. "Yeah, right <jealouspoofle>. Just another dumb little cuton factory."
"Hmm, I wouldn't mind checking out her I/O ports," Big Blue said distantly.
"Shh! She's coming our way!" Spiky whispered.
A tawny colored bunny hopped over to the table. "Excuse me <politefluff>," she said to Sysop, "but I couldn't help but notice your blinking earbows. They're really nice."
"Thank you," <icyfluff>.
"Hey, be nice, Hyssop," Big Blue said. "That's Hyssop the Sysop, this is Spikey Hawthorne and I'm Big Blue. <shimmywiggle> And they don't call me Big for nothing."
Tansy looked at them in awe. "I've heard of you guys. You're seniors. You're _famous_. Oh! I'm Tansy." <shypoofle>.
"So how ya liking school, Tansy?" Spiky said warmly.
"Oh I love it!" she gushes, "There's just so much to do <excitedfluff> and so many neat classes and stuff!"
"Well if you need any help with anything, you just let me know," Spikey nodded and grinned.
<wideeyedblink> "Gee, you'd really do that? I'm only a freshbun and all <scuffpaw>..."
"No problem, Tans," Spiky said dreamily. Big Blue looked at him with one fang slightly bared.
Sysop glared at the two bucks. "We're a bit busy at the moment Tansy," she says tensely.
"Oh, I understand! I have quite the classload myself." She looked up at the clock. "Oh dear, I must be off to my cryptology class! See you later?" <tentativepoofle>
"Sure thing!" the bucks chorused.
Big Blue and Spiky appreciatively watched her bounce away while Sysop sat and smoldered. "I'll get you, my pretty," she said under her breath.
"Let's see the video," Mellow Ears said as he reclined in his chair.
The video opened with a shot of a whimsical clubhouse complete with a sign that said 'clubhouse' with a reversed 's'. The music was upbeat and catchy. Then the children popped onto the set singing...
"Hap-py Friendly Folks!
Hap-py Friendly Folks!
Laughing, telling jokes!
'Cause we're hap-py friendly folks...
With Tommy! (Tommy!)
Cindy! (Cindy!)
Mister Deer (giggles)
And Pro-fes-sor Bunny! (Yea!)
Hap-py Friendly Folks - WE'RE HERE!"
"Nice," said Mellow Ears, "and having someone correct the backwards 's' at the end is cute. Pity we can't use a real bun instead of that puppet for Professor Bunny. He doesn't look very real."
The producer <clearthroatpuffed>. "You see, Mr. President, things that aren't real can seem more real than the real thing, sometimes."
"Hmmm. Shot locally?"
"Some of it. It's easier to farm some of it out then to shoot it all ourselves."
Symps?" The president asked with a note of concern.
"Might as well be <ittybittyfangygrin>. Some of it was done at the local PBS station."
"Do we have symps there yet?" Mellow Ears asked in surprise.
"The program director."
"Groovy."
Mellow Ears watched the video with growing confidence. It was a fine children's show, full of educational material with a good solid ecological slant. Between the songs and the ABCs there were lots of forest shots with 'wild' animals who were too cute to be real. And then there were the lessons with Professor Bunny, who was wise in all things and nice to pet. Mellow Ears <ittybittyfangygrinned>. Move over purple dinosaur, welcome to the new Cult of Personality: Professor Bunny! Not only would this help spread fluffiness, but the marketing would make his warren rich.
As the credits rolled he felt that something was missing. "We could use more bunnies," he suggested. "I mean, those Brits have those four thingies with the televisions in their stomachs, and they have bunnies all over the place!"
The producer nodded. "But we shouldn't use as many as they do. They're targeting a younger audience and can get away with the higher levels of cutons. And we don't want to look like we're ripping off the Brits."
<wisenoddle> "Good point. I'll leave it up to you. Good work!" and he rubbed his paws together. "Now it's time to take over our local PBS station."
"Tansy! Wake up or you'll be late for class!"
Tansy opened one blurry eye and looked upon her cluttered dorm room. "I'm getting up - real soon," and rolled over.
"Too many Snapple(tm) shots, huh Tansy?" her roomie <gigglefluffed>. "Well that's what you get for being a party girl. I warned you about dorm parties and Absolut Snapple."
"But I like parties, Belle," Tansy protested, "they're so much fun!" <wakinguppoofle> "Much more fun than my parties back home. I'm meeting all kinds of buns..."
"And eating a lot of Spam(tm)Kurls..."
"Phooey on you, Belle," and she picked out a new earbow. "Spam(tm)Kurls are yummy." She looked down at herself. "Do you think I'm gaining weight?"
"Maybe," Belle giggled, "or maybe you're <shimmywiggle> pregnant!"
"What! You... you, Fuddette!" and laughing threw a pillow at her roommate. "You're just jealous because the bucks like me better."
"That's 'cause you're too ky00t for words!" Belle remarked ducking the pillow.
"Am I really?" Tansy asked as she quickly preened herself. "I'm just an average doe where I come from."
"Then you must come from a warren of beauties. Now hurry up, or we'll miss class!" Belle said.
Tansy took a breath. "Symp Acquistion! No way am I missing this one!"
As the hopped quickly to class Belle asked, "Are you really only average in your warren?"
"Well, way above average in grades," she replied. "But about average in ky00tness. I sometimes wonder why somebun here always fusses over me. Not that I don't like it." <happyfluff>.
"What about the buns around campus?" Belle continued as they passed some graffitti saying 'Beeble for President... when you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils', "How do they compare to the buc... er bunnies at home."
Tansy was silent for a moment then <shrugpoofled>. "I'm just a country bun. What do I know? But to be honest, a lot of the buns here seem, oh... I don't know... plain. I expected to see more ky00t. It's like there's something missing..."
"Or maybe your warren has something special?" Belle asked as the they entered the classroom.
"I dunno," Tansy replied, "It always seemed like a pretty ordinary place to me."
White Paw looked over the freshbuns. "I'd like to thank your President for giving me the opportunity to address the 'Symp Aquistion and Management' class. I hope that you can learn from my experiences, so you will be successful when you return to your warrens and collect your own symps."
"Before we start our class, I'd like to remind you again that most symps don't like being called that to their face. We must always be extra-fluffy to the humans and so guide them to a better life."
White Paw waited patiently until the laughter died down. "Remember, in all direct dealings with them use terms like 'friend' or 'associate'. Sprinkle in a few nice adjectives and <fluff> in an appealing way. That said, please welcome our guest, well-wisher and my personal sympathizer... Sid! Would someone please open the door for him?"
The bunnies applauded as a surprised and slender young man came into the room. "Hi," he said shyly.
"Hi Sid!" the class chorused.
"I'm very glad to be here," he mumbled, a littled dazed by the level of cutons.
In the third row Belle whispered, "He doesn't look very fluffy to me. Looks more on the scruffy side."
"Shhh!" Tansy said, "I want to know his motivation."
"Now Sid, would you like to tell the freshbuns a little about yourself? And how you joined us?" White Paw coaxed gently.
"Um, sure. I was... well, a rotten kid," he scuffed his feet. "Everyone said so. My dad took to drinking as soon as I was born and my mom would scream at me how it was all my fault that she got married and had to take care of me. I stunk at school... and just dropped out. I ran away at sixteen and was on the streets... sleeping under bridges and stuff. Then I met White Paw." A smile swept across his face. "It was under one of those bridges... I was all alone, and he hopped over to me and told me I could be saved, that I could be a good person," his gaze became soft, "a fluffy person. Of course, I thought I was nuts at first, talking rabbits and all, but White Paw fed me and taught me, kept me warm and... snuggly."
"Very good, Sid. <approvingfluff>," said White Paw. "That will be all. A round of applause please."
Sid blushed and made his way out.
"Okay class, anyone with any observations? Yes?"
Tansy put her paw down. "You collected him at a critical moment in his life; when he was at his lowest."
"Correct. That's the best time to snag a symp. Sid needed to loved and comforted, and who better that a ky00t bunny? You have another observation?"
"Two questions. Was he really as bad as all that? And why, with all the other apes on the street, did you pick him?"
"Well, the Disney backpack was a dead giveaway," White Paw said with a nod. "But he wasn't a bad person at all, though those who raised him were. I checked out his family afterwards and they were some of the meanest creatures I've ever found." <shrugpoofle> "Humans are like that. And because he was rejected by his family and treated like an outcast by society in general, he was easy pickings."
Hot lights streamed down on the small set. Real and artifical plants tried to make the set look like it was wilderness, but every plant was strategically placed for the just the right shading and framing.
"Alright," the director said, "give me a little hop out of the bushes that's it... now <fluff> for the cameras... no no No NO NO! CUT!"
The bun on the set sniffed in disappointment. "Well I'm trying the best that I can..."
"Not good enough, <barefangs> now scram." Director Hare threw his black beret on the floor in disgust. "I need more bunnies!" he <stomped> as he paced the warren's studio.
"Really?" the camerabun said with a yawn. "We've only got a few thousand buns to choose from," and he eyed the line of hopefuls for the 'Happy Friendly Folks' TV show.
"Who cares?" the director shouted. "Look at them! LOOK AT THEM!" he waved a paw towards the line of actors. "They're just... bunnies. I need somebun who's fresh, who's got the Right Fluff, that extra special... something. Remember, we can't stuff a lot of bunnies in here; it'd look suspicious. So when the camera focuses in on that one bun... I want the apes to go '_WOW_! Fluff at me and I'll do anything.'" He picked up his beret and gave the waiting buns another withering look. "Go home," he commanded and slumped in his director's chair.
"Hey boss," the camerabun said, "why don't you go check out the freshbun at the college? There's got to be some fresh faces in that crowd."
"Yeah... <perkears>" YEAH!" Hare jumped to his feet. "Tomorrow I'll check out the lunch crowd. It could be classic... finding the latest star at the college. I <proudpoofle> like it!" Then his ears drooped. "But if I don't I'll be stuck with... " he waved his hand dismissively, "THAT bunch. It's a day folks," and he <stomped> out of the studio.
"Now there goes one 'Unhappy Unfriendly Folk,'" whispered the other camerabun.
"Shhh!" the first camerabun said quickly, "if Director Hare hears that you'll end up working in NoBunny's porn studio..."
"That won't be so bad."
"... as a prop for an ape to use."
Behind them several student interns dashed for the nearest telephones.
'Hyssop the Sysop' heard the Big Blue, Spikey, and Tansy giggling in the other room and it made her want to puke. Or to <stomp> all over the bucks and show Tansy the sharp part of her claw. Before Tansy had come, she'd been the Top Op, the 'Doe to Know' among the bungineering students. She'd worked hard at her bungineering classes and her networking skills. Her grades were among the highest in the class. And she accomplished it all by hard work, study and raw intelligence.
Now this hick from the sticks was wooing all the bucks with her oh-so-ky00tness. Sysop <snicked> out her claws in frustration. Tansy sashayed so innocently around and twisted the heads of every other buck she came in contact with, and some of the does too. 'Oh, Tansy's soooo ky00t.' 'Isn't she so nice?' Sysop ground her teeth as she heard the laughter from Spikey and Big Blue. They were _her_ bucks. They came to her when the math got tough and the concepts hard to grasp. Now they ignored her and lavished their attention on... on a frosh! Worse yet, Hyssop had been handed another cable pulling assignment. She scowled to herself. Although she was a senior, she'd just knew she'd end up in some dirty duct or filthy half forgotten burrow dragging fiber optic cable to the next terminal.
The phone rang and she picked it up. "Yeah?" she said in an annoyed tone of voice. She frowned. "What do I care? Look, I'm in Information Technology not video..." then she listened intently. "Lunch tomorrow?" she whispered, "are you sure? Okay. Yes, I will spread the word. Thanks."
She waited until Big Blue and Spikey had left, racing to see who could get Tansy a Snapple(tm) first, and hopped into the room.
"Oh, Tansy." She <flicked> her ears as if in surprise. "Just the person I need. Would you like to pick up some easy extra credit?"
"Easy extra credit?" Tansy chirped, "Sure!" " ... Er, what is it?" <hesitantfluff>
"I've got an important assignment that I need some volunteers for, sort of at the last minute. It's a little technical..." Sysop added.
"Is it something," <shypoofle> "A freshbun could do, maybe? <hopefulfluff>"
"If you have a free period tomorrow about 10 am," Sysop said slowly, knowing Tansy's schedule.
"Oo! I'm free then." <adorableeyebat>.
"Then I think you can help," Sysop said warmly while she giggled fiendishly inside.
"I'm _so_ sorry Tansy," Sysop said soothingly as they walked toward the college cafeteria. "I had no idea that the tunnels would be _that_ dirty! Let me buy you lunch."
A dusty Tansy tried to groom herself. "I'd really like to shower first," she replied. "I probably look look as filthy as a monkey." <ickpoofle>
"Oh, you'll be alright," Sysop replied. "And you're guaranteed extra credit for all your work today."
"Really? All I did was pull cable and take measurements." <frustratedfluff>. "Nothing _really_ technical."
"Call it 'real world' training," Sysop replied. "Wait, you missed a spot on your back," and smudged the dirt spot around. "There. Quite presentable..."
--------------------
Director Hare and his assistant approached the cafeteria. "I really hope we find some fresh faces up here," he glowered. "So far I haven't seen anybun that's really... special."
"Well I'm sure you'll somebun that will fit the bill," his assistant cajoled. "Remember, we've got a lot of freshbun this year from the outlying warrens. Innocents. Unsophisticated."
"Yeah, yeah, that's what we need," Hare declared. "Natural. Yeah that's the word, natural." They rounded the corner and came to the cafeteria. Within the Hopping Grounds it was crowded with buns. They lounged about, does primping and preening and all decked out in the latest earbows. The bucks swaggered around, posing muscularly or trying to look nonchalant in their fedoras. And all tried desperately to look like they were just having lunch.
"Oh dear," his assistant murmured. "It looks like word got out that you'd be here."
"And it looks like every floosy with an attitude has arrived." Hare bared his fangs. "Look at them," he sneered. "They look like something out of Wynn's catalog." <disgustedfluff> "Artifical to the core. And look at those bucks pretending to be Arnold Swartzenbunny. Bah! This is a bust. Come on, let's go." He turned on his paw, almost running into two dusty looking bunnies.
"Oh, excuse me, <embarassedpoofle>" one said as she hopped by, trying to groom a dirty spot off her shoulder.
Director Hare stared. Then he grabbed his assistant. "Her!" He pointed at Tansy, "Get her! Sign her! Now!"
Hyssop the Sysop was in her dormroom merrily banging away at her latest program when there came a knock at her door. She saved the program and opened the door. "Hey, Blue. Come on it."
Big Blue slumped on her bed, looking dejected. "Man, everybun's making such a big deal about Tansy. It's like she's something special or something."
"You mean she's too busy to see you." She passed him a Snapple(tm). "Someone might think you lost your head over her <teasefluff>."
"What? Oh come on, Sysop. I mean, she's a _freshbun_ for Frith's sake." He slugged down half the drink and eyed her closely. "And you never liked her anyways."
"Oh, she was a little irritating," Hyssop admitted, "but she was alright."
"Oh really?" Blue reared himself up. "I think you deliberately took her down into the tunnels with the promise of extra credit so you could get her filthy and humilate her in front of the entire cafeteria. <angrypoofle> Lucky for her that director was there looking for new talent. Few things are more adorable than a kit trying to clean herself."
Hysop looked him in the eye. "Look, I really needed extra help, and I thought she won't mind the extra credit."
<perkear> "You mean, she really is going to get extra credit?"
"Of course she is," Sysop said sounding offended. "Blue, <honestpuff> I'm a programmer. A geek. I'm not a schemer or manipulator. That's what the pyschbuns are for. Do you really think I'd hatch some devious plan to embarrass a freshbun?"
Blue looked at his paws. <embarassedfluff> "No."
More the fool you, Sysop thought to herself.
There came another knock at the door and Spikey poked his head in. "Hey, Sysop. Blue! Hey, the gang's all here!" he hopped in with a large, flat cardboard package. "I got pizza..."
Yes, Hyssop the Sysop nodded to herself, the gang's all here. She chowed down on the SPAM(tm)Lover's pizza, chatted about C++ and Bunix programing and basked in the company of her bucks. Once again she was the the Doe-to-Know in bungineering.
Mellow Ears picked up the phone and dialed up the new number. A pleasant voice answered, "Chenango Warren Communication Center may I help you?"
"This is President Mellow Ears, please direct me to Mentat Running Brook."
"Sure thing!" There was a click and cheery hold music played. Then a doe answered. "Running Brook here. How are you, Mr. President?"
"It's good <fluff> to be Pres," he remarked. "You like the new communication center?"
"Very much so, thank you. It's good to have a better phone system and a high-speed connection to the Bunnet. Our Bunnies Online dialups were exceedingly slow."
"I just thought I'd bring you up to date on our little experiment."
"Tansy 314A? How's she doing?"
Mellow Ears frowned. "I hope you don't always refer to her by a number. It's like, soooo Prisioner..."
"Oh no," Running Brook replied, "It's just to keep track of the bloodlines."
"Well, she's a ky00tie alright," Mellow Ears conceded as he leaned back in his chair, "Ky00t like a kit, you know. Everybun thinks she's younger than she is."
"That's a problem we hope will work itself out as she gets older. Generations of breeding for both ky00t and brains are invested in her."
"Well she has a bright future. She'll be getting a cameo role in our new television show for the ape kits: 'Happy Friendly Folks.' And..." he paused for effect, "she's in the running for promoting a new line of products for us. She'll make quite a splash on BunTV." Mellow Ears looked at the suggested products and the sales pitch; 'DeBunns: when you want to send the very best'.
"We'll keep you informed Mentat."
He hung up the phone and checked out the Tansy's test video. Yes, the doe could <fluff> alright. Against such ky00tness broadcast around the world on public television, the apes didn't stand a chance.
"Why did you think they called it programming?" Mellow Ears <fangygrinned> as he turned to other business.
just the beginning....
'School Daze' was the hardest series for me to write because the main character, Tansy, is not my own. Tansy and Chenango Warren scenerio were created by Kylinn. I have to thank her for granting me permission to play with her character. Ky has been my editor and consultant for all of the Parlor City Stories. [<cheerywave> - Ky.] Although she hasn't contributed directly to Devilbunnies in a while, her advice has made my contributions much richer. [<blush> - Ky]
In addition, I have been suffering through a mild case of writer's block for at least 6 months. For someone who is used to the constant chatter of character's voices in my head and the seeing with the mind's eye the character's actions, the silence has been disturbing. I had to simply write through the block, even without the guidance of the characters who live in my imagination. I realize now that I have been distracted by other things had been eating up my time and concentration (like work and attempting to get Linux to operate... grrr) and must turn away from some things to reclaim my time and energy for writing.
~JennyM
---
I must confess that when JennyM and I first plotted to have Tansy enter Mellow Ear's university, back in the spring of 2001, I didn't think it would be _quite so long until the story actually got written. (Or rather, finalized.) But now it is and we hope to continue to work with both Tansy and with Jenny's myriad cast of characters in more Parlor City Stories.
And perhaps <evilgrin> we'll even get the tune to the "Happy, Friendly Folks" theme in a midi file, so all of you can suffer having it run through your brain over and over and over as it has through ours these past months.
--Ky
Originally published on alt.devilbunnies between March 4, 2002 and March 14, 2002