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John "Rip" Darson was in trouble. His business partner had just gotten busted with half a kilo of cocaine and John knew that the cops were going to come looking for him, too. He needed to get rid of some incriminating evidence. Fast.
That night, he put the other half-kilo of cocaine and $20,000 in cash into separate pastic bags and put them in a small waterproof satchel. Under cover of darkness he crept down to the wooded area along the riverside and stashed it under a thick pile of brush. He'd torn his nice leather jacket on the brambles, but he walked away smiling, knowing that when the police were gone he could return and retrieve his illegal goods.
Little did he know that small eyes were watching him from above.
*************************
Life, Les Pathways thought as he ate dinner, is good.
His apartment was small and sparcely furnished, but it was clean and inexpensive. His job was going well, the warrens had been quiet for many months and Gina's training was proceeding smoothly.
Ah, Gina. Even though there was an age difference of nearly a decade between them, they got along famously. She was level-headed, straight forward in her thinking and very practical. He liked her. He liked her a lot. But the age difference and the fact he was her instructor in all things Fuddish kept him from approaching her. And he still hadn't met her parents yet...
A scratching at the window dispelled his nearly amorous thoughts. He dabbed his lips clean and went to see what was making the noise. To his surprise a squirrel was perched on his window ledge. A rather familiar squirrel. Although all squirrels usually looked alike to him, the obviously crippled front paw on this one made him wonder if it was the same one he'd almost run down during Phong's Reign of Terror months ago. To his amazement the squirrel unrolled a piece of paper and pressed it against the window. On the paper was written:
FUDD
LET ME IN
Dumbfounded for only a moment Les quickly recovered and opened the window. The squirrel rolled up the paper and hopped in.
"Matrix," <tailflick><tailflick>. It was not a question.
"Who are you?" Les asked cautiously.
"Lefty," she replied, "You know how many rusty Cavaliers there are in this city? It's taken me months to find you."
Les blinked. "Er, your English is very good for a squirrel."
<twitch twitch twitch> "We should talk, Matrix."
"Please, call me Les. You have information on the bunnies?"
<tailflick> "Yes. And we have information on you."
Les furrowed his brow. "What do you mean by that?"
"We could go to the bunnies," Lefty said. "Plenty of buns would give us lots of nuts for a chance at Mr. Trenchcoat."
"You're blackmailing me?" He was astonished at the thought. "But we're on the same side!"
"Maybe," <tailtwitch left><tailtwitch right> "maybe not. Bunnies are the bunnies side, Fudds on the Fudds side. Squirrels ... squirrels are on the squirrels side. But we can work together - Fudds and squirrels against the bunnies."
"Now that I like," Les replied. "But I suppose there's a price."
"Always," <blink blink> "but allies get a discount. Big discount. Bunnies have symps to get things for them but we don't. If you can help us get things that we can't we can help you out keeping track of the bunnies." <twitch twitch> "We're everywhere and see everything. We can watch the buns where you can't."
Les stared at the squirrel for several quiet moments. "I'll have to contact some people first but if you want to set up an alliance, I'm all for it."
<happy chitter> "Good! I'll tell the others." She scampered up to the window sill. "I'll be back in a few days." She paused. "You wouldn't have any cashews would you?"
"Sorry, no. I'll get them in."
<tailflick> "That would be nice," and vanished into the night.
John "Rip" Darson put his hands behind his head and slouched on the couch. The cops had come, the cops had gone. He'd played it cool as they searched the apartment and found nothing. He could run down to the river and grab his stash, but it was better to take it easy and lie low for a while. Maybe take a little vacation. Yeah, that was the ticket. Take a few weeks off and get out of town. With his stash buried in a prickly patch of brush in a deserted area along the river, it would still be safely there when he returned home.
*************************
In his apartment Les started at the squirrel. "Okay, let me get this straight. First, we share information as equal partners."
"Correct," Lefty bobbed. "And we provide needed transportation and medical facilities if any of you are badly injured."
She waved her injured paw. "You understand."
"Yes. Third, we provide you with twenty-five pounds of cashews per month?"
"As a gesture of friendship." <gleefulchitter>
"Fourth, you want us to provide a safe place to store essential supplies? What supplies?"
"All our cashews!"
"Riiight. Fifth, you want us to provide an indoor living area for fifty squirrels?"
"Oh yes," <tailtwitch> "Mostly for the sick and elderly." She looked around Les's small living room. "This room would be perfect." <bobhead> "Oh yes."
Les tiredly rubbed his face. "Good grief, I don't have room for that. What else do you want?"
"Internet access."
"ARE YOU NU..."
Les bit his lip and lowered his voice. "Are you nuts? I suppose next you'll be wanting a credit card so you can make purchases on E-bay?"
"Err..." <chitter>
"Uh-uh. No way." He took a breath. "Let's be realistic," he continued. "There isn't enough room in this apartment for a swarm of squirrels and for me. There just isn't. I can't have squirrels constantly jumping in and out of my windows. And as for the rest, I'm not made of money. Neither is Phong or the rest of us."
"We understand," Lefty said, "but I'm sure you'll find a way." <chitter> "Because that's the kind of person you are; a go-getter. And we need you to go-get stuff." She regarded him shyly. "I like you. You could have run me over in your haste that time a few months ago, but you didn't. I think that says a lot about the kind of person you are: a friend to squirrels."
She cocked her head. "Some swerve to avoid us when we dart across the road but others aim to run us over." <shiverflick> "There are many things about human behavior that we don't understand." <enthusiastical dancing> "And you can help!"
Les looked sourly at Lefty. "Uh-huh. Now I'm a sociologist to squirrels."
"Like, we recently watched this human get all scratched up hiding a bag down by the river." <cleanears> "Very strange. If he wanted to keep something safe, wouldn't he have put it in a building or something?"
Les scratched at his chin. "Perhaps. Do you know what's in the bag?"
"Yes. We dared..." <flickflick> "We sent Tiny down to open it up. He's small enough to get through the brambles without getting cut." <flickflick> "Much."
"And?"
"He found plastic bags. One had some kind of white stuff in it and the other had paper. Tiny thought maybe it was money."
"Money?" he pulled out his wallet and withdrew a dollar bill. "Like these?"
"Maybe." <flick> "Can I take this back so Tiny can confirm it?"
"Sure. If it is, then this is what I want you to do..."
John "Rip" Darson was feeling rather pleased with himself when he returned from his month-long vacation. The cops were chasing someone else and he was in the clear. He snuck back into the brambles and retrieved his satchel. He slipped it under his coat, sucked at the scratches from the thorns and made his way back to his apartment.
He cursed softly when he discovered that all his money was missing. He cursed more loudly when he looked at the half-kilo of cocaine and discovered that it had taken on a rather foul odor and had turned from white to yellow.
*************************
The police officer shook his head. "Well Mr. Pathways, it's been over a month and no one's claimed the money. I guess it's yours now." He gave him a stern look. "You know this was probably drug money."
Les Pathways nodded. "Yes, but I'll put it to better use. Funny thing, finding it in my regular walk through the Floral Avenue Cemetary. Lots of people walk through there. It's very pretty. If it was a drop off point you'd think they'd pick a less public place."
"Criminals aren't always the smartest people," the policeman replied and pushed the paperwork over to him. "So what're going to do with $18,000?"
Les smiled knowing another $2,000 was hidden in some tree, somewhere. "After a hefty donation to Uncle Sam and my church, I think I'll put a downpayment on a house. I've got one picked out already." Actually, Lefty had pointed out a house that was presently unoccupied; by humans anyways. With tree limbs overhanging the roof the local squirrels had already taken advantage of the vacancy. The police pushed forms at him and he signed for the money.
"Maybe I'll get a computer; a really snazy one," Les said to the officer, "and surf the Net."
THE END
for now....
Originally published on alt.devilbunnies between May 20 and June 16, 2001.